Monday, September 25, 2006

Roll up, roll up ladies and gentlemen

I have just bought a front row ticket to the biggest circus in town: the local real estate market. Don’t be fooled by the references to circus and front row because this type of show will be nothing but fun. I’m sure Anna Wintour had more fun the day she had a pie thrown at her face for wearing fur.

My ticket will involve full audience participation. However, instead of sitting on a chair while a monkey rides a bike around me, my task is to successfully sell a house, find another and make sure the whole drama is timed to perfection so I don’t find myself suddenly homeless while the happy buyers of my home move in and the (inevitable) louts/squatters of my next home move out.

First are the open house inspections, for which I prepare by cleaning the house to within an inch of its timber varnish and removing any personal possession that can be placed in a pocket/handbag/trolley case/garbage bag. Once dozens of strangers have traipsed mud through my rugs, sat on my couches and bed, rifled through my cupboards and (if I’m lucky) used my toilet, I will return home and clean it all again to remove all traces of ‘them’.

Next up is the auction, a day where even more people come around and most of them are just there for the show – they don’t even care about the place, they just want to know what their own place is worth.

Let’s not even mention selling on the fall of the hammer because I’m sure this is an urban myth; let’s jump straight to the post-auction acrobatics. Agent and highest bidder in lounge room negotiating price. Me, in back room eavesdropping and gesticulating wildly and silently that there’s no way this house is worth that little.

Finally, signatures are exchanged and I change my mind about offering the champagne I’d saved to celebrate with the new owners on account of being so hyped on the adrenaline I need it all for myself.

The second act is very much the same, only this time I’m the one in the lounge room, throwing money around and feeling (again) like I’m being taken for a ride.

The joys, the joys! Expect a lot less cuteness and a great deal more frustration at this blog over the next few weeks my friends, the circus has come to town.


sahm said...

Good Luck PJ! :)

delamare said...

Oh PJ ... my heart goes out to you! May you sell your lovely home for squillions, and purhase your new palace for a song. And don't let the clowns get you down.