Thursday, August 24, 2006

Put the newspaper down and no one gets hurt

I’m not a happy commuter at the best of times and lately, astronomical petrol prices have caused all the people that live in the outer suburbs to jump on the train to save money.

By the time the train reaches the inner city stations – where I get on – the carriages are packed and everyone is virtually drowning in the humidity caused by wet umbrellas, wet hair (seriously, have you not got 5 minutes to dry your hair in the morning? It’s winter and you’ll catch a cold and spread it to me and I don’t want it.) and a ridiculously hot thermostat.

This rainy morning, while standing in an overcrowded train carriage, I fought hard to keep my anxiety under control by mentally delivering messages to the people around me, in the hope of telepathically making them realise they weren’t the only people on the train.
  • If you have nothing to hold on to, please don’t hold on to me. I am neither a pole nor a handle; I also have nothing to steady myself and you’ll just succeed in pushing me to the ground.
  • We all love our personal space – it’s a sadly overlooked thing in a crowded city – but please don’t read your newspaper when the rest of the train carriage is one swaying mass of humid bodies. I am inching closer to ripping it out of your hands and then neither of us will be happy because you’ll no longer have something to read, and I will have given in to the dark side.
  • When your head is 15cm away from mine, please don’t carry on a very loud and meaningless mobile phone conversation: “so what are you doing now?”, “no, I’m doing nothing, how about you?” I am as bored as you are love but please just suck it up and shut the hell up. Besides, you’re talking so loud you almost don’t need a phone; I’m sure they can hear you from here.
  • Try not to cough, sneeze, scratch your head and pick your ears when we’re standing so close. Particles get airborne and that’s where microbial trouble starts.
  • If you’re going to store your clothes in mothballs (how do people not know about cedar blocks in this day and age?) at least have the sensitivity to air them out before you go shoving that coat and scarf in other people’s faces.

I could go on indefinitely about this - it really gets my back up; even more than Jessica Simpson wearing hot pants, news of Kate Moss getting back with her junkie boyfriend and sighting Nicole Richie in yet another pair of enormous sunglasses.

1 comment:

sahm said...

This made me laugh PJ ... so glad I don't have to catch public transport ... well we don't have much out where I live - no train line and the buses don't go where I want to go. ...